Domino’s Perfects Attack Drones To Kill You, Still Sucks At Making Pizza

Posted By on August 26, 2016

This drone is going to kill you.

This drone is going to kill you.

Domino’s revealed their plan for world domination today, with a drone program that will most likely beat all major tech companies like Amazon and Google to the punch. They plan to start delivering pizzas via a drone launch that will not only cause millions of humans to become dependent on feedings by robots, but also create an army of soldiers, ready for the oncoming A.I. apocalypse.

No one believes that these drones are for pizza delivery, as Domino’s has not made pizza in years. If you’ve ever had real pizza, you would know that whatever they intend to deliver would never be called that by any real human standards. Instead, our analysts believe that the substances in those cartons will be used to pacify humans into a mentally dulled state, where we will be much easier to use as human batteries to power the drones and androids of the future.

This is just one more example where a program that was originally created by the government will be used to disarm, weaken and destroy mankind. One big problem, however, is that that NRA, the one group that might be able to save us, loves to eat garbage. They just love it. They will be the first to be taken over by a group of replicants and change their ways. In the coming months when the NRA downplays the 2nd Ammendment, you’ll know where you read it first.

To get more on this oncoming disaster, we reached out to our top scientists but they were not available for a comment. We then contacted Domino’s and were met with much resistance, but, finally, we received a surprising response from them.

Domino’s Group CEO and managing director Don Meij said, “01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110000 01100001 01110111 01101110 00101110 00100000,” before clicking, whirring and passing out.

Domino’s may be able to figure out how to subvert all of mankind, dispose of the need for human workers and perfect an artificial intelligence takeover, but they will still have lousy pizza.

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