iPhone 7 Specs Cause Largest Strike In World History

Posted By on September 10, 2016

The world's most talked about masturbatory aid.

The world’s most talked about masturbatory aid.

The largest strike in the history of our human lives has taken place this week in India and you probably hadn’t heard about it. On September 2nd, 2016, a trade union coalition that represents over 180 million Indian workers striked for one day, on record as protesting the policies of Prime Minister Narendra Modi. The lack of media attention in the USA, however, proves to us that the protest was actually about something different.

While it might be nice and easy to think that they are standing up for human rights and labor conditions, we firmly believe that they were actually protesting the removal of the headphone jack from the iPhone 7. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This protest happened days before the press conference! How could they know?” It’s very simple: they’re in india. Almost all the tech companies you call wind up forwarding to call centers there. They also manufacture tons of technology. They would know before all of us here, because it is their job to know!

So, tens of millions march out in solidarity over the iPhone 7. It sounds like it might be far-fetched idea, but look at the media coverage. It was very hard to find any information on the largest strike in our world’s history but the iPhone was plastered everywhere. That logically has to mean that reporting the iPhone was also covering the strike since the gadget was obviously the whole reason why the strike even took place! We are very proud to have been able to uncover this and help bring back a little light of favor to Prime Minister Narendra Modi who was getting a bit of a bum rap.

I mean sure, he may have encouraged the 2002 riots in Gujarat that had Hindu mobs killing around 1000 people, which were mostly Muslims. And yes, his women and child development minister was arrested sentenced to 28 years for handing out swords and encouraging people to attack muslims with them. And while he leads a nation with record amounts of people in poverty, working in poor conditions and slaving away to bring home barely anything, he still caters to business and making sure that business owners are happier than their employees. All of those things are true.

But does that make him such a monster? No, because the thought of a dying puppy still makes him sad. In fact, bad things happening all over the world makes him sad, even if he refuses to participate in anything to stop the things in his own country that makes him sad. It’s still making him sad, though, see? That’s human! Doing nothing about stuff you know you can control makes him just like one of us! You know? I mean, hey, I could lose a little weight, but that pizza isn’t going to finish itself. I could totally only have one or two slices but I’m really just helpless to do anything about my self-control. I’m just going to eat the whole thing. It’s just like that! He’s just like one of us.

So, remember, when it’s time for you to upgrade to your next Apple device, is it really worth it? Millions upon millions of people stood up against that damn headphone jack being removed and you still want to buy that phone? Think of the starving children in India. They totally don’t support you buying such an inferior product. They want you to be able to plug in your headphones without any additional accessories, just like every other good, humane person out there.

Liked it? Take a second to support us on Patreon!
%d bloggers like this: