US Launches 59 Missiles Loaded With Pepsi At Syria

Pepsi: Die For Now!

While most people associate Mountain Dew to be the beverage of extremism, the USA has launched an attack on a Syrian air base using 59 Tomahawk missiles loaded to...

A Bunch Of Dicks Vote To Make Life Harder For Vaginas

The heroic volunteers of Planned Parenthood

While the gaggle of overall dicks that makes up the Senate were split 50/50 on a bill set to make the existence of Planned Parenthood a thing of the...

Paul Ryan Vows To Destroy The Healthcare System

Paul Ryan hopes to feast on our carcasses.

So… sometimes you sit down to write something and then you just give up and decide not to write anything at all because… well, this happened:

Donald Trump To Lower Taxes By Letting Everyone Die

President Trump waves off the sick and poor, waiting for them to simply die off.

In an surprising move towards some legitimate transparency, The White House has released some information about the next changes to healthcare and regulations in the country which are designed...

5 Things We’re Surprised We Didn’t Find In Mike Pence’s E-Mails

Fear this man, for he will be the ruination of your soul.

As you may have heard, Mike Pence was using a private e-mail address for work and was phished out of his information in some ridiculous scheme reminiscent of the...

Complete Moron Impresses Millions By Reading Out Loud For An Hour

King Moron stands in front of bufooons and wows them.

We are nothing, if not a nation of easily impressed people, but a new low was set as the standard last night, during President Donald Trump’s address to the...

Donald Trump Won’t Go To The White House Correspondents’ Dinner Because He’s A Punk-Ass Bitch

No hope in this great, white dope.

One might remember that now-President Donald Trump was once verbally sterilized by Seth Meyers and President Barack Obama back in 2011 at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. The thin-skinned,...

First Contact From TRAPPIST-1 Aliens Beg Us To Stay Away

The first new life in space is smarter than we are.

NASA announced yesterday that they have discovered a new solar system that has 7 planets, of which at least 3 are more than likely capable of sustaining some form...

Hedorah The Smog Monster Confirmed To Head EPA

Hedorah The Smog Monster

The Senate confirmed Hedorah, The Smog Monster on Friday to run the Environmental Protection Agency, putting a seasoned opponent of nature, cleanliness and renewable resources at the helm of President...

Donald Trump Prepares To Celebrate Presidents Day, Not Knowing It Isn’t For Him

Who knew that Lincoln and Washington were so adorable?

While President Donald J. Trump tries to avoid the possibility of he and his cabinet being executed for treason, he’s keeping his mind off of such dour things by...