Record USA Flooding Tied To White Male Tears

Posted By on September 9, 2016

That's right, white boy. Go cry in the rain so no one can tell you're being a little bitch.

That’s right, white boy. Go cry in the rain so no one can tell you’re being a little bitch.

While September may officially be National Preparedness Month for floods in the USA, the National Weather Advisory has issued a warning that our flood problems may only worsen by the time we get to November.

Apparently the rampant feelings of oppression from white men, and more specifically rich, white men, have reached a tipping point. The proliferation of big, man baby crying has caused the oceans to flood over and record rainfall in just about every state in the south. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Agency (NOAA) has released it’s latest water model and if Hillary Clinton winds up as our president, as predicted, we might be in serious trouble.

While the end of the world will surely come swiftly, and succinctly, if Donald Trump becomes President of the United States, Hillary Clinton’s presidency will bring about biblical level flooding. A projection of severe man tear flooding is expected to wash out just about every red state, with even some blue states taking the hit.

While the fact that the USA women brought home more medals from the olympics than the men was enough to cause some late summer downpours, the electing of the first woman president might be impossible to recover from. We asked why this didn’t happen eight years ago when Barack Obama became our first president of color, (whether he is referred to as our first black, brown or bi-racial president), and the simple answer was that the flooding all happened in 2009, when they were less aware of the growing white male tear epidemic. If you do look at 2009, however, there were major flood all year round in many different parts of the USA, but especially major flooding during the fall in the south.

The fact that Obama is half white, though, did save us a bit of downfall. With a woman, however, no racial background will make a difference, as the most ardent misogynist is generally blind to a woman’s skin color.

Let’s also add in the fact that now entire NFL teams are supporting the Black Lives Matter and Colin Kaepernick’s decision to sit during the national anthem, at every NFL game they play until they see some serious reform, and you have the potential for the highest amount of simultaneous white male tears to ever be recorded. This is one to watch out for, folks.

Be smart, buy your boots and try to keep your white male friends happy and free from feelings of oppression.

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