The English-Only Movement Wants To Erase Latin From Our Money
Everyone has some. You walk around with it in your pockets, every day. They line your wallets, purses and the bikini bottoms of strippers all over the USA. They say it is the root of all evil, but is that because of the Latin inscriptions? Money comes in one shade of color, but for some strange reason, in the United States, it comes in two languages. The main question we have is, why?
Lead by republicans like Rick Santorum (don’t Google that,) the English-only Movement has been around for a couple of hundred years, trying to make English the one, true official language of the United States. Inspired by the need to be able to hear what people are saying about you in a crowded room full of foreigners that are looking at you funny, the first strike, they believe, is to rid our dollars of all the Latin.
To get more information on the subject, we spoke to U.S. English Chairman, Mauro E. Mujica.
Hoof And Trunk: So what is about the Latin on money that we should be so worried about? Hasn’t it always been on our money?
Mauro E. Mujica: Whether it has been on the money all this time or not is irrelevant. The fact that it’s on the money right now is a problem. We’ve had the Latinos taking over our money, all this time, and we don’t even know what it says. How do we know it’s not some message that is going to unify them and get them to uprise against the US Government and turn us into Mexico?
H. and T.: Well, we can translate it for you right now. E pluribus unum means “Out of many, one,” which signifies the unification of the colonies and states to form the United States of America. Annuit cœptis means “favor our undertaking” or “God has favored our undertaking,” which isn’t that far from “God bless America.” And finally, Novus ordo seclorum means “A new order for the ages.” Now, since you know what they all mean, is that less worrisome for you?
Mauro: Well… uh… yeah, I guess it isn’t so bad in English. So there, why can’t we have it in English, then? If those words have nothing to hide, why do we need to read it in Latin! Do they have English words on their money in Latin America? I really doubt that. I doubt that a lot.
H. and T.: They don’t but they also have an official language, which is Spanish. The United States doesn’t. We’re a melting pot country with so many different roots. Them not having English on their money is fine. They also don’t have Latin on their money, either. They speak Spanish in Latin America, not Latin.
Mauro: Great, now I trust them even less! They’re even lying about who they are, what they are called and what they speak. They just want to take over our land, our money and our jobs. We need to take the dollar back and make it all English before someone else gets any crazy ideas about just what the USA is. Maybe that new order for the ages is exactly that, when Mexico takes over the USA? Did you stop to think about that?
H. and T.: No, not for a second, because that’s stupid. I don’t think of stupid things like you do, simply because you’re stupid. I have a bigger problem with the “In God We Trust” inscription we added to the dollars in 1957. Considering how much people hate on everyone else’s gods in this country, I think we could find a better, more honest phrase for the dollar, like “We Don’t Trust Each Other.”
Mauro: I see I’m talking to some pinko, commie, moronic wetback-loving, immigrant sympathizer here. I’m just about done with this interview then, but before I go. Let me ask you one thing? What will you do once they start teaching this Latin in schools, making you have to speak it and learn it, like it’s your own language? Are you going to join us and question this whole thing then?
H. and T.: They taught us Greek and Latin roots in 1st grade in school. I then took Latin in High School, as well as Spanish. I feel like the more you know about the rest of the world the more you know in general. Don’t be so afraid of something you don’t understand. Try to learn to understand it.
Mauro: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, they got to you! The Illuminati brainwashed your damn fool self. That’s it, I’m out of here. You stay away from me, with your Latino mojo. I am done. Someone get this guy away from me. He’s trying to sabotage the great English language with his bad juju!