Trump To Stop Watching Olympics Due To Injuries: “They were too exciting!”
Presidential Republican nominee, Donald Trump, has reportedly had to cease watching the rest of the Olympic games. Due to the graphic nature of the recent injuries at the games, he is entirely too excited to continue viewing them.
As French gymnast Samir Aït Saïd and Brazilian judoka Sarah Menezes had their Olympic dreams cut short in incredibly gruesome and violent fashions on the first day of games out in Rio, Donald Trump couldn’t take it anymore.
“Well, I was very excited at the prospect of winning. I mean, the USA is fantastic and great, but we could be even greater. If we just won more we could be so good at winning that we’d win even more. When I saw that young man’s leg break, it almost felt as good as that the first time I saw my wife Ivan… I mean, Marl… I mean… uh… it was like the first time I stared into the eyes of my beautiful daughter, Melania’s eyes. No, no, my daughter Ivanka’s eyes! Damn it all to hell, why did we have to name her so similarly to her mother?”
When asked if it was the gruesome nature that made him have to stop watching his remarks were not what we expected.
“Oh, heaven’s no. That’s not it at all. I mean, it was a tough break. You see what I did there? But seriously folks, it was a tough thing to see but I was so happy about it. I mean, with a name like Samir all I could think was hey, Isis may have lost another gymnast! Could you imagine that guy flipping over our future great wall of Mexico, jumping into blow us all to hell? I guess he would never had made the landing but, still, it’s better to be safe than sorry. And that judo or karate girl, or whatever the hell she was doing. Her arm being pulled like that. No American would let that happen. Her last name sounded fairly Hispanic so that just might be one less illegal climbing over our borders. I’m all for the injuries, personally but it just was too good to watch. My heart was racing I had a hard-on the size of a bullhorn and I couldn’t wait to just pound one in. I was kind of afraid of having a heart attack so I just stuffed a roll of cold dollar coins into my armpits and hoped it would cool me off.”