WikiLeaks Exposes Clinton’s Hottest Lie
Amidst all this election hullabaloo has been on scandal, leak, accusation and revelation after another. From murder conspiracies to sexual assault, this election has run the gamut on unsavory topics. Well, this one is savory. In fact, I’d dare say it’s quite a spicy, piping hot subject and the world is going to be very upset about this one.
A few months back, Hillary Clinton was accused of pandering to blacks as she boasted that she carries hot sauce with her everywhere, in her purse. It was silly, goofy but also for some, a sign of hope. If she carries a bottle of hot sauce, that could mean she’s “one of us” or not quite a lizard person. Keeping her down to Earth and relatable, as well as trustworthy, has been one of the toughest challenges of this campaign. Well, thanks to a Wikileaks e-mail release, we now know the real story.
From: Hillary Clinton
To: Huma Abedin
Date: 2015-08-29 06:36
Subject: DINNER ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT
UNCLASSIFIED U.S. Department of State Case No. F-2015-20666
Doc No. C05776769 Date: 12/31/2015
RELEASE IN FULL
From: H <email@example.com> Sent: Monday, August 30, 2015 1:36 PM
To: ‘firstname.lastname@example.org’; ‘email@example.com’
Subject: Re: Dinner on wednesday night
Agreed–load the table!
Let’s pig the
f* ck out!
Just please, can we ease off on the spice this time?
My ass was burning for 3 days after that insane meal. I was sweating from inside of my mouth and dry heaving.
My daughter called me “Cindy Lou Who With The Vindaloo Poo!”
Let’s just have a normal, mild meal for once. I’m tired of having to tell people that I can handle all this heat just to try to stay relevant with the minority crowd. They can’t possibly care that much about what I eat, can they? I mean, what if I was a vegetarian? Would that make me lose a ton of support? I dunno, anyhow, make sure we have some milk ready. I can’t deal with the spices anymore, okay!?
So the odds of her actually carrying hot sauce with her are very low. We’re pretty sure that’s a complete fabrication after this one. We estimate that this will cost her tons of votes in the south. Can she regain their trust with a YouTube ghost pepper challenge?