After our exposé on how we found out that Mike Pence Is So Unloved And Unimportant That Royalty Free Photos Of Him Do Not Exist, we really expected him to shine through and give us more meat with our political potatoes. Would he share with us his vision of a future where the United States is more economically stable? Would he offer us a sensible response to the gun control debate, where measures were taken to increase the public’s safety from harm but also allow the 2nd Amendment to remain as it is?
Well, no. Of course not. Who would ever think that something meaningful would come out of camp Pence?
No, instead we saw Mike Pence get a haircut from some barber in Pennsylvania. News sites posted some real journalistic gems like, “Eight Most Relatable Moments From Mike Pence’s Pennsylvania Haircut,” and “Mike Pence Got A Haircut At A Black Barbershop In Norristown, Pa.” Now, we’re not linking you to those because we know you know better than to read that garbage. You’re here at The Hoof and Trunk Post, after all, so you have a much higher standard for journalism. The best headline to come from this, however, comes from the NY Post, which we will never link to because, well, EWWW GROSS! That headline, though, was “Barber Giving Mike Pence Haircut Had No Idea Who He Was.” Well, that makes like, 7 billion of us, NY Post! Nobody knows anything worth knowing about this guy, and no one wants to! No one cares to!
Donald Trump could be running for President with a block of cheese as his running mate and his numbers would be exactly the same and we’d probably get more actual, real news about the block of cheese. What dairy did it come from? Is it organic? Were the cows treated fairly? Is it safe for people with lactose intolerance? How long did it ferment for? Look at that, I’ve already had more of a journalistic response to a hypothetical block of cheese, that doesn’t even exist, than to an actual human being running for Vice President.
We are all doomed, folks. We are all doomed.